DOUGH NO MORE: THE COOKIE PURGE

This retreat begins with the Purge Feast, a harrowing ordeal where participants are seated before a banquet of cakes, pies, and cookies, yet forbidden to partake in anything but brownies. Those who falter are immediately banished to the “Land of Oatmeal Raisin,” a desolate camp where only the driest cookies are provided for sustenance.

Sinners undergo the Whipped Cream Exorcism, a dramatic ritual where frosting and whipped toppings are scraped off their preferred desserts while Sister Double Fudge chants, “Away with the fluff; let the cocoa shine bright!”

The retreat culminates in The Cocoa Covenant, a midnight ceremony held deep in the forest. Participants form a circle around a glowing vat of brownie batter, pricking their fingers to let a single drop of blood fall into the mix. This act binds them eternally to the Fudgelight’s teachings. The final test, The Brownie Ascension, requires participants to bake a perfect batch of brownies from memory. Failures endure additional time in the “Room of Dryness.”

Closing Ceremony: In the grand finale, The Binding of the Batter, participants don ceremonial cocoa robes and gather under a canopy of stars. Reverend Ganache delivers a fiery sermon before each sinner is handed a molten brownie, symbolizing their newfound unity with the dessert’s essence. The ceremony concludes with a haunting chant as participants pledge their eternal allegiance.