BROWNIE BAPTISM IN THE CANYON

The central event of this retreat is the Blondie Bonfire, where sinners must ceremonially burn their blondie recipes while chanting, “The light shall fall; the dark shall rise.” Participants also endure The Cocoa Immersion, where they are physically coated in melted chocolate and made to repeat, “Fudge is my salvation.” The experience is intended to cleanse them of their blonde dessert loyalties.

Additional rituals include Vanilla Abandonment Therapy, a grueling exercise where sinners bake brownies without using vanilla extract. The retreat concludes with The Sacred Brownie Rite, a feast where participants consume layered fudge brownies while reciting scripture from the Book of Ganache.

Closing Ceremony: The retreat’s dramatic end is marked by The Ritual of the Shadowed Pan, where participants bury a symbolic blondie pan in the forest and plant cocoa trees above it. They then receive a scarred spatula as a token of their transformation, sealing their rejection of light desserts forever.